July 21, 2006
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Another Lonely Anniversary
We are home again, and I am fighting the doldrums. We called
Lorena last night and talked to her. She sounded well, but
there was no active moderator, so our “conversation” was very
one-sided. And very sad.Today is our 22nd U.S. anniversary. (I was in at Lake
Catherine outside Hot Springs for our Mexican anniversary.) It is
so difficult not to be able to converse in any true sense
with Lorena, and this is compounded by the inability to
really be able to confide in her, but I miss her terribly. The
vacation was good as far as getting away from here for awhile was
concerned, but it really reinforced how much I miss Lorena because I
wanted to share everywhere I went and all I saw and experienced with
her. That made coming back home very difficult.This is the first time in over ten years that I have not gone to
Mexico for at least part of the summer, and I miss those folks as
well. Rafael and Chris were so instrumental in our marriage (and
it is ALL Chris’s fault!!!) and I miss them dearly. [Ben is in
California, so it seems that that contact is completely missing --
and I feel very guilty because it seems that I never see Ben when he is
here.] Susan and Alfonso have provided guidance, a home away
from home, and seventy-five thousand meals for the
girls. Margarita and Roberto have also provided us with
lodging many times, and this summer seems empty without them.
Alma and Ernesto, Jorge and Chela, Angie and Rick, Ramón and Linda (who
provided me some invaluable insights to life in Tepic and the Aguilars
early on.) I miss them all, but part of me died on March 9, 2004.On July 21, 1984, though, Lorena and I were “legally”
married at Pleasant Grove Baptist Church in Holder, Texas,
[after having been illegally married in La Iglesia del
Sagrada Corazón by an unorthodox priest in Tepic, Nayarit, Mexico, on
July 7.] We spent the night at Jerome and Ruth Smith’s house at
Holder. Prissy McBride sang at the ceremony with the rite of
marriage administered by Rev. Everett Yeilding — who would later hold
the funeral services for both my grandmother’s, George Boyd, both my
parents, my sister Jane, and far too many other friends and relatives
before he, in his turn, joined them. My memories of this day
are so incredibly bittersweet, and so much has changed since then.The service was especially remarkable in that the ceremonial
highlight featured me trying to put the wedding ring on the wrong
finger until Lorena corrected me in a highly-accented stage
whisper that tickled the witnesses. The post ceremonial
highlights occurred when little sister Gina (who was truly a LITTLE
sister then) ran up to tell Lorena something — and inadvertently
spilled her glass of red Kool-aid down the front of Lorena’s
newly-cleaned wedding gown. (Remember that, Gina???)Last night I told Lorena I know it hasn’t been a happy anniversary
for me (and I am sure not for her), but I wished her one,
nonetheless. If I had it to do all over again, I would, but with
some major changes. I would spend more time with her and less
time with school work and with “busywork” around the house. I
would do things, go places, and see things with her instead of planning
to do that “someday” when she graduated and we had more money. I
would do everything I could to make her life as easy as possible.
And I feel so guilty because I didn’t do that when I had the
chance. I would marry her again, though, in a heartbeat. I
love you, and I miss you, Lorena.This weekend is going to be difficult, as well. It had looked
as if there was not to be a Smith Reunion this year because of Dena’s
illness, but Ruth and Jerome scrambled to organize one, so I will be
out of pocket again the next couple of days, renewing acquaintances
down in Llano, Texas. Part of me is extremely excited about the
prospect of getting to see the folks who will be there this weekend,
but part of me is just depressed because my “family” won’t be
there. Lya is going down with Steve and Julie. Stephi and I
will probably go down with Dena and her family.Anyway, thank you so much for your cards, letters, and emails. Lorena continues to improve. We love you.
Comments (4)
I have been thinking about the kind of grief you are going through.
I have not had any experience of this kind of grief, though loss of friends and parents to death is not the only loss I grieve over. Loss of childhood for various reasons, loss of a friendship, loss of pets.
All losses are griefs and although there is a similarity, there are also differences. I know those who grieve over the loss of a marriage – divorce is so different to the the death of a partner.
Your grief is different again, and I wondered, are you getting any professional help?
It’s about time you came back. I’ve been starving for a post….
We just returned from Mexico. We had a great time, but we were on the opposite side from your family. I couldn’t help but think of you all when eating there, though. Your descriptions of some of the wonderful foods down there give me a whole new appreciation!
This morning Kylie told me she wanted breakfast… I said, do you want cinnamon toast, a waffle, or pop tart… she said, “I want a ham & cheese omlet, some watermelon, cantalope, papaya, the good orange juice (meaning fresh squeezed) and some cucumbers…”
I told her we ain’t in Mexico nomore….
I miss the food, too!!!
Wanted to post today, but ran out of time on break. I love this entry. You shouldn’t feel guilty about the things you “didn’t do”. We all go on living our lives as though tomorrow will never come. We all have regrets, my friend. We do the best we can every day. I can look back on things I did or didn’t do…wishing I’d spent more time with my late sister, laughed more and worried less. But in the end, the most important thing is just telling people you care about how you feel. I am so certain from everything you post that Lorena knows how you feel. Move forward from this day with less regrets and more hope. It is those regrets that weigh you down, but it is the hope that pushes us all toward happiness.
Enjoy your reunion and those you see there, and be safe on your trip. Take care!
Ohhhhhhh! I missed this post………22 years is a long time and I hope this is the last one Lorena’s away from you…..hope she gets home soon….I know how it must be feeling Mike, but with the power of prayer you’ll soon be seeing the silver lining in the cloud….all the best – *hugs*