This portion of today’s blog is just for grins. I think. Chronic troublemaker kgeverett started this whole mess with her posting today in which she took vicious umbrage at the movie Barnyard because it featured a “daddy cow” [voice by Sam Elliott] complete with an udder. I found her attack to be mildly amusing, so, after I had finally picked myself up off the floor and caught my breath, I posted a comment to the effect that it was obvious that she was going to milk that gaffe for all it was worth, that such a thing on a bull would be an “udder” waste, that she obviously knows her bull, and various “udder” similarly inspiring banalities and inanities.
However, I then got to thinking. I have been around cattle all my life, and I have more than enough hours for a biology degree, but I don’t know if bulls have nipples or not. Surely they do. They must. And as for udders, what would the effects of feeding them large amounts of hormones be? (The bulls. Not the udders…)
My poor tortured mind, at this point, reeling from the realization that it had chanced upon a most insidious and unholy conspiracy to destroy our youth, spiraled off into the roiling vortex of warped mascots. No wonder our children are so confused. No wonder MTV represents the most complex thought processes of which they are capable. No wonder they cannot understand a concept as simple as “No”!!! No wonder their song lyrics are garbled gobbledygook or are screamed at 2573 decibels so that one’s eardrums implode before the words can be heard. Our poor, unfortunate children want desperately to say something, but they have nothing to say because they are so confused by Daddy Cows and bulls with udders. (And surely Richard Simmons has to figure in here somewhere.)
Not only do our innocent, impressionable children watch movies starring Daddy Cows with udders, but academia itself perpetrates miseducation, even as it ties our children’s minds into complex Gordian-knotted pretzels and cottage cheese (which reminds me that I haven’t had lunch yet.) But back to my thesis…
Schools, in fact, may be the very worst perpetrators of this virulently destructive assault. By “schools”, I am indicting everyone from K through12 and all the way on up through Z. Even the revered and hallowed halls of our most prestigious universities reverberate with this insidious indoctrination which, in turn, is picked up rabidly by our media and forced upon us in ways that Orwell’s Big Brother, Orwell himself, or even Orwell’s little brother could never have been able to foresee or to comprehend. This intellectual poison fills our airways, and it spews forth from our televisions and radios. It saturates our newspapers and magazines and oozes through our eyes and ears to make Swiss cheese of our minds. (Darn, I’m hungry!) In fact, this contagion is so pervasive that one usually cannot even hold a conversation with any sort of sports fan without being exposed.
Not only is this infection endemic in our schools, but it is rampantly and with brutally efficiennt, enforced brainwashing sessions (code named “Pep Rallies”) forced on our children at raucous reeducation centers (code named “Gyms”) where their hearing is permanently damaged, they lose educational opportunities, and they are forced to squander their time, even as their minds are turned to mush. (I MUST get some lunch!) To add insult to injury, our children are punished if they don’t scream these confusing conundrums loudly enough to deafen the child standing in front of them. How do you cheer for the Lady Stallions while maintaining a grip on reality???
Let me clarify this revelation in regard to my thesis. I was aware, for example, of being regaled in the past by legendary tales of certain sports teams in my area of Texas. I had never thought of the insidious implications of what I had heard until kgeverett tipped me off to the REAL danger to America involved in this seemingly innocuous activity. for example, I had often heard of the exploits of the Lady Lumberjacks. Perhaps I had wondered about what happened to the Lumberjills, but when I thought of such things, I was usually more preoccupied with trying to continue to tread water until help arrived or of trying to slow the bleeding using direct pressure until the ambulance reached me. Did it really matter that the Lady Steers were leading their division? Sure, my mind reeled and my head ached at the visual image produced by the name, but I had never really thought of the full implications of that name upon our society, specifically upon our most vulnerable population, our children.
Kgverett’s tirade changed all that. I decided to do some checking. Consider the following press release excerpt I found from the Johnson C. Smith University in Charlotte, NC, home of the JCSU Golden Bulls:
Lady Bulls Edge Out Lady Rams, 73-63 - January 27, 2005 |
In a crucial western division game at Brayboy Gym, it was the Lady Bulls of Johnson C. Smith University (17-2, 8-0 CIAA, 4-0 DIV) over the Lady Rams of Winston-Salem State University (10-7, 2-3 CIAA, 1-2 DIV), 73-63.
My mind seethed queasily as I visualized this epic battle. I could see it, but I didn’t want to. The Lady Goldens would have been fine. Heck, it would have even been highly appropriate, knowing what I do of the female gender!!! But the Lady Bulls??? Yuck!!! [Admittedly, the alternative specter of visualizing an epic contest between the Ewes and the Cows slightly nauseated me, and I can see how those appellations might adversely affect recruitment...] Certainly some name choices are completely off limits. I mean, considering our problems with school violence, “Bullettes” certainly would not appear to be a viable option… [That apparently does not keep the Bradford (West Yorkshire) Bull's cheerleaders from being called the Bullettes or the Mesquite (TX) Team Texas Bulldogs drill team from being called the Flag Bullettes. That discombobulates my gender-sensitive sensitivities, but it certainly has a highly polished military ring to it...
More exhaustive research (since I didn't get much sleep last night...) revealed a veritable plethora of evidence of this insidious attack on our society. Thanks to Google, I now propose for your consideration:
Lady Bulls -- 1,830,000 hits |
Lady Steers -- 379,000 hits
Lady Rams -- 719,000 hits
Lady Bucks -- 5,420,000 hits
Lady Stallions -- 1,580,000 hits
Lady Broncos -- 480,000 hits (My Spanish says that this just doesn't work for females.)
Lady Ganders [16,400 hits]. Ganderettes had only one hit, that of the Gander (Newfoundland) HS Figure Skating team. [I would like to propose a newspaper headline: "Lady Ganders (or Ganderettes) Goose Opponents." Considering the inordinate fear that geese instill in young (and old), I think these teams might well have a psychological advantage over any Lions, Tigers, or Bears. (Oh, my!!!)]
Lady Lumberjacks – 287,000 hits
Lumberjills — 748 hits
Lady Cowboys — 2,970,000 hits
Lady Redmen – 28,500 hits. [I kid you not!!! What an auspicious event a battle between the Lady Cowboys and the Lady Redmen would be!!! I might even scalp tickets for that!!!]
Lady Braves – 972,000 hits
Lady Vikings – 1,720,000 hits [I guess it does sound more ominous than the Viking Ladies would.]
Lady Chieftains – 279,000 hits
Lady Warriors – 65,400 hits
Not only were there Lady Jacks — 1,730,000 hits — but some were NOT references to diminutions of “Lumberjack.” Who chose the Jack to be the mascot? I mean, a jack is a male ass. [I know the ass is renowned for being hard working, durable, strong, dependable, intelligent, self sufficient, stubborn and all the other attributes that Lorena tends to give to me, so I have always taken it as a compliment from her.] But I also know that here at Stephenville, we say, “Once a Yellowjacket, always a Yellowjacket.” With that in mind, who wants to go through life known to be an ass??? Wonder how their recruitment goes…
[The Lady Jacks search produced an invaluable bit of knowledge, though. I am not a sports fan, but I might even be induced to travel a great distance to see the Lady Tetons take on the MSU Bottineau Lady Jacks at the Well. The Lady Tetons. Now THERE is a visual image I can live with!!! I am sure the Lady Tetons probably play to a packed gym at every game... How much easier can a job be than to be the PR person for the Lady Tetons??? [I must confess a bias here, though, for the visual image produced by Teton men is disconcerting, at best...]
And let’s not forget the Lady Papooses of Cheraw HS (SC). Of course, the men there ARE the Papooses. Now THAT is intimidating!!!
Stallionettes – 494 hits
Ramettes — 119,000 hits
Bullettes – 723
Buckettes – 2570 hits [However, my favorite listing is not school related. Instead it consists of the fans of Gregg Rainwater, ergo the Rainwater Buckettes... (Pardon me. The sound you just heard was me gagging...) However, for example, Buckeye Central HS (Ohio) does feature the Buckettes. Hopefully, they do not have an all girls' choir that goes by that name, as in "They can't carry a tune in the Buckettes..."]
Interestingly, the Drakeshire Lanes Bowling League (Farmington Hills, MI) features the Drakettes. (To be successful, I must assume that they have their ducks in a row…) I didn’t find any Lady Drakes, but, apparently, Sir Francis did. Good for him!
I found a smattering of teams named Tigresses and Lionesses, but they did not even begin to approach the numbers commanded by Lady Lions and Lady Tigers.
My mother, by the way, was a Lady Bulldog, before she became a Lady Tiger…
I love “Lady Volunteers.” Why do they need the distinction at all?
Thank goodness there were no hits for “Lady Boars” or “Boarettes.” But there is still time…
Of course, at MIT, the men are Beavers — and proud of it — so I guess there is justice after all…
However, there were some additional dividends to this research. Consider the following statements, for example:
* ”Nearly half of British employees think they are not paid enough, and women are even more dissatisfied with their wages, according to a survey on Thursday.” [financialexpress.com]
* ”I want the President to look across the country and find the best man, woman, or minority that he can find.” — Trent Lott, speaking on the replacement search for the open Supreme Court slot.
See the effect this insidious assault is having??? (And see what you have done, Mrs. Everett???)
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